[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
This meal prepping shit easy
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
How is it still this week?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.