I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Waiting for the Charmin
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.