My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’