Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*