My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
haha same
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls