I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?