When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”