Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
smh
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
When can I start eating bats again.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency