ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
You Might Also Like
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*