No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
You Might Also Like
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I enjoy a good short stor
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF