I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
when the buffet is more honest than your date
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.