Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home