I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
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Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime