[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
San Francisco has too many rules
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*