a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”