Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Important
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work