if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry