“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.