80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse