Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
You Might Also Like
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do