I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!