Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
me making someone eat a chip with my mind