Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.