“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work