Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?