that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
sin harder.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes