I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.