I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I don’t think my car can fly
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”