I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
You Might Also Like
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Where is your GOD now????
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”