A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.