hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Very good news from my accountant
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).