Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
this is uni
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
#milo
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”