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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”