kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
that lip filler tho
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”