[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
never forget
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early