Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.