Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Education is vital
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣