There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: hear me outβ a food truck that sells crab related products called βCrab and Goβ
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My kid said if I donβt stop calling it βInstantgramβ that he wonβt talk to me for the entire Summer. So Iβm going to start saying βThe Facebookβ as well, just to be sure.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My coworkerβs out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I donβt even match my clothes to my clothes.
HR Manager: βTis the Seasonβ or not you canβt be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and thatβs probably a good thing.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My toddler wonβt go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while Iβm sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.