The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Cannot stop laughing at this
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir