The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
me when I see my crush
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Born to be mild.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude