you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.