Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”