Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Brands during Pride
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing