“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Awesome parenting 😂
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Word!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.