Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace