Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
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Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Brilliant!
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit