trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌