Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*