It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?