[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.